Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we
may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the
children of men, that we have power to do these things. (Jacob 4:7)
I know that there must be a few people in your life that
push all your wrong buttons. After a few minutes in their company, you are
probably cranky. If you tell me that you know of no such button pusher, I will
tell that you aren’t being honest with yourself. Why? Because the people that
push our buttons are those that reflect our weaknesses. And if you tell me that
you haven’t a weakness—I’ll remind you about that honesty problem.
As a child, if I found someone hurtful or unkind and I took
that pain and injustice to my mom, her general response was to avoid that
person. Which was difficult to do if that person happened to be your brother
and you lived in a two bathroom house. The Barenaked Ladies (the band, not
naked ladies in general) offer the same advice in their lyrics of Be My Oko
Ono.
If there's someone you can live
Without,
Then do so.
And if there's someone you can
Just shove out,
Then do so.
And when this person isn’t sharing your space, your
committee, your project, or your mother’s birthday cake, you can do this. And
sometimes this is the only thing you can do. When you find a person is just
best to be avoided because their behavior is toxic—do so. But generally,
usually, all most always, the best advice to learn why and how someone pushes your seething buttons.
Why? Because you want to be Christlike and love everyone?
Maybe. Or maybe your reasons are more selfishly motivated…maybe you want to
ferret out all your own weaknesses, confront and destroy them so you can become
a better person. Maybe you need to not only forgive that wretched button pusher—maybe
you also need to forgive yourself, and you can’t do that unless you recognize you
have a problem button waiting to be pushed.
So, here’s the exercise. Write a letter to your antagonizer.
Go ahead. Be mean. Tell them exactly
what you dislike about them, how and why they rub your fur the wrong way. Be
explicit on all the ways they can improve and why the world will be a much
better place after they have followed your
instructions to the T. This might
take awhile…take your time…come back when you’re done.
Now, erase your antagonizer’s name and write in your
own. *
After you come to the horrible realization that you share
your antagonizer’s flaws (and you must, otherwise they wouldn’t irk you so
much) consider why he/she/you might
do the things you do. Is the over the top, excessive perfectionism and micro
managing really a deep seated fear of looking less than up to snuff? If so,
look for opportunities to be a cheerleader, rather than a critic. Chances are,
they are already their worst critic. Or is impatience? If they need to do
things their way, right now—offer to help. Ask, what can I do to help you?
I know this is hard
because this was my week’s challenge. There is someone in my life that I can’t
avoid who irks me. It had gotten to the point where I had begun to look for and
expect slights and criticisms from her. Why? Mostly, I think, because I wanted
the justification of disliking her. I did not want to like her. And this is not
Christlike behavior.
Because I’m not sure I can be a helpful cheerleader on my
own, the next time I have to interact with this person, I’m going to ask for
heaven’s help. I’ll say a silent prayer that I can be kind. And maybe it will still
be hard. But I believe in the scriptures that says:
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though
your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red
like crimson, they shall be as wool. (Isaiah 1:18)
With heaven's help (and maybe only with heaven's help) I can come one step closer to living that difficult commandment:
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another;
as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. (John 13:34)
* I borrowed this exercise from the Work of Byron Katie. The
Work is a way of identifying and questioning the thoughts that cause all the
anger, fear, depression, addiction, and violence in the world. Everything you
need in order to do The Work is available free on her website http://www.thework.com/index.php
